The Myth of Perfection
[Interviewer]: Tell me about your strengths and weaknesses.
[Interviewee]: Well, one of my strengths is also my weakness. I am a perfectionist. I have a difficult time moving on from something until it is done right.
We are all familiar with this conversation, whether the statement is true or not. Let’s be honest, perfectionism is alarmingly common, normal even. But, that does not suggest, by any means that it is healthy. On the contrary, it is downright destructive and insidious. Now let’s be honest: few are clear, conscious, and explicitly think, “I must be perfect.” But, many more people have an internalized drive toward musterbation related to “perfect.” Storied psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term “musterbation” as the process of telling yourself that you “must” be this or “must” be that. must be “perfect.” So many individuals feel a need, a drive to be perfect, or else it’s all bad news.
Where does that leave us? It leaves us musterbating. I Must Be Perfect! Logically, this means that if you are not perfect, then you are imperfect—and since you are imperfect there is something wrong with you—you are therefore worthless, stupid, or incompetent. Consider this for a moment. That is one hell of a wet blanket of bullshit to live under. If you’re perfect, then you are ok. And if you are not perfect, then there is something fundamentally wrong in you, and you are worthless and hopeless. Wow, even as I write this it feels ultra-heavy. It’s a terrible burden to feel the need, the compulsion to be perfect all the time, in every way, or else you’re worthless, useless, and unlovable. My gosh, that’s one hell of a no-win situation. And, how can one possibly have any chance at contentment, happiness, joy, or bliss under such a paradigm?
Let’s engage in a couple of thought experiments: First, imagine that the entire world, and everyone in it is perfect. The catch is that you are not. How that would feel? Imagine that world. What do you imagine that would feel like? To say the least, you can imagine that you would feel: less than, not good enough, useless, worthless, and unlovable. This establishes a baseline that you are not enough, driving you to just get by, be passable, or avoid being found out as a phony. That sounds just awful. And unfortunately, how many of us live our lives as though this were true? We are either perfect and “only ok,” or awful rivaling the depths of hell. I’m confident in saying, “No bueno!!!” Ok, let’s explore the second thought experiment? Picture for a moment, where you ARE perfect. But, all the world and everyone in it is imperfect. How do you envision that you would feel? Most, when asked this state a feeling of relief, that they are not the one to be blamed for whatever isn’t going perfectly. But I challenge you to really imagine such a world. It seems that if you were the only perfect person in an imperfect world, full of imperfect people, that would be a dark and horrible existence. Think of it: you, as the only perfect person in the world, would have to suffer constant frustration with all the imperfection in the world and its annoyingly imperfect population. The only respite from such a dark and troubling existence, would be to isolate yourself from everyone and everything, so as to avoid the constant barrage of irritation, frustration, and anger. Don’t these thought experiments feel illogical and troubling?
Mull this: so many of us live under the presupposition that everyone else is perfect, and we are not. As a result, we are then logically motivated to be perfect just to be “ok,” or at least not discovered as a phony. Welcome, imposter syndrome. How does this make really sense? We have to be perfect to be ok, not discovered as a phony or imposter? Really? Perfection is perfection, there is no higher level of mastery to attain. Perfection is a rare achievement which is to be celebrated, not met with relief that we are found out to be a phony or an imposter. What are we really talking about? Think about it. So many of us live under the assumption that because we are imperfect, we are less than everyone else. This establishes a drive to constantly disprove that you are a phony and worthless. But disproving a negative belief isn’t a one-time fix. It’s an ongoing and constant imperative to disprove one’s lack of value. Imagine that. If you prove something, guess what? You’ve proven something, and you have receipts. But disproving a negative continues indefinitely. Ugh! Can we all agree to swipe left on disproving a negative?
What is the real fly in the ointment here? It’s meaning-making. Meaning-making is the process of infusing meaning where it doesn’t belong. For example, I make a wrong turn; therefore, that means I’m stupid. I wasn’t productive today; therefore, that means I’m lazy. We so very often infuse meaning, draw conclusions, and characterize the things we do in abusive and negative ways. Most don’t do this when we win, or make good choices. No, making good choices is what we “should” do, or are “supposed” to do. We don’t give ourselves credit for good choices, successes, or wins. Most do, however immediately judge themselves over mistakes, setbacks, and errors. This is plainly harmful. One does not have to judge and shame oneself for mistakes to learn, but most of us establish a pattern of practice out of negative meaning-making and shaming. Research really doesn’t support this premise. The best learning comes from affirmative insight gained from our mistakes.
The compulsion toward perfectionism, or the need to be perfect, is fraught with so very many problems, pitfalls, and self-fulfilling prophecies. Among these are the need to be right, or we are wrong deep down in our soul. It also creates a dynamic of conditional love predicated upon being right, or we are not worthy of love, affection, or approval. And it establishes a practice of comparing ourselves to everyone around us. That leaves us living a life full of no-win situations. But we know deep down that this isn’t and can’t be true. We know this because we enjoy hundreds of wins in life every day. These wins are big and small. Waking up at the time we want to is definitionally a win, even though we often disregard it as a “should.” Let’s take some time to really think about this for a moment. How many things today went the way you wanted them to go? It’s very likely, hundreds. You woke up on time, you had breakfast, brushed your teeth this morning, got to work, did work, had lunch, had a conversation, completed any task, and hundreds maybe thousands of other wins people take for granted every day. Remember, they are imperfect, and you are imperfect. Perhaps perfectly imperfect? Salvador Dali said, “Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.” If the mandate isn’t to be perfect, then what the hell is it?
Our mandate is to notice our successes, no matter how small, and express gratitude for our own efforts/wins. It is to understand when and where we make mistakes and learn from them without without without punishing ourselves for them. Remember, insight and understanding promote long-term learning, whereas punishment fosters only and merely behavioral compliance. Think about it, your daily ratio of successes to setbacks is clearly impressive, likely or unsurprisingly 300:1. So get out there and appreciate all that you do.
Joel T. Meyer, MA, LCPC